Torn - letoya

Krispy kreme,
I hope you can still read right through the lines and see that I do still care.
I want you to know that if I could I'd do it right...

Please just one favor, dont lock me out.

Sunday Morning - maroon 5

This trip made me realize so much, how you’ve become such an asset to me and how you’ve turned into my routine. Truly and honestly I couldn’t do it and with that comes pros and cons. Yet the cons I’m not keen about because with knowing that this is more than just lust, it’s going to be so painful to let this go. I’ve become so attached to you that even the slightest change has become this HUGE DEAL with me. I can’t do a weekend without you knowing that I’ll have a night mare and wake up to an empty spot beside me. I don’t even want to open my eyes when the sunshine starts to seep through my eyelids because no matter how beautiful it is outside there’s still the most important thing missing… you. I been through this so many times before but this, this is oddly different and familiar from anything else. Different because this isn’t just another fling type thing that I’ve been through before and familiar because this is something I thought I locked away almost 4 years ago never to be felt again. I don’t want to fall because I don’t want to hurt the way I did back then, I don’t want to fall apart like I did and feel my world come crashing down like it did 4 years ago. Simply put I don’t want you to be my past, I just want to keep it at today and let this moment stop so that I don’t have to risk another tomorrow.

I just don’t ever want to risk losing this or you, I ... KB

Victoria take two (successful - trey songs & drake)

I needed this, a little getaway from the city life. Maybe it was about time I cleared my mind and put all my priorities in order. All the stress from school, friends, and family were beginning to eat away at me. Sometimes it hits me why I can’t be so perfect and be the pride and joy rather than just another comparison to the rest of the family and all their achievements. Just because I choose to live my life before I lock myself up in another eternity of school I’m getting put down. It’s been this constant issue with school and how I don’t know what I want to become and automatically I’m again being put down for not knowing what I want to base my entire future on just yet, for heavens sake I’m just a teenager I still want to see the world and who really gets a chance to see the world after school without having to worry about work, or kids, or any other commitments.

On another note I feel as if I’m being pulled in a million different directions … I noticed that I’ve been completely M.I.A from a ton of people yet at the same time life still keeps pilling up with all these things as well I’m the one who’s got to be left feeling like shit because I haven’t been around to party or to do the usual things that I used to do. No matter what I do nothing seems right and I’m trying to be superwoman at 17. Hopefully when I get back the world goes easy on me because I’m so ready to crack even with the slightest movement.

dedicated

#1: How can I even begin to explain this situation between us. You are and always have been such an amazing person to me. You've been my strength for almost 6 years now and I could never risk what we have even if that means letting you be with some stupid lame ass hoe who doesn't even deserve you. I LOVE YOU that much, to sit here everyday knowing that no matter how much it hurts me I have to let it be because to lose you and what we have as best friends... it would end me.

#2: My utmost and sincerest apologies go out to YOU, the one person who should've never got hurt. I want to take a minute to explain myself in all different aspects of this dilemma but what it all comes down to in the end isn't understanding on your side. Instead it's just another punch in the face to how heartless I may seem in not just your eyes but everyone else who got their hopes up for you and I. I'm sorry if I made it seem like it was a waste of your time, but I reassure you, it most definitely wasn't a waste to me. I wanted so badly to prove myself to you hoping that I would change your expectations on girls instead I made it so much worse. I never took you for granted, I never lied, I was never unfaithful ... all I did was stop myself from hurting you knowing truly and completely that my heart wasn't in it completely. I would rather hurt you with the truth than with a lie, and the truth is ... what we had was fun while it lasted, but it slowly faded away and I tried so hard to keep holding on but it wasn't enough. Yet for all that you've done I owe you everything, you kept my head up when I needed that extra push and that shoulder to cry on, you came running when I was in need. Even though you hate me ... I'm so thankful for you in my life.

#3: Simply put, we are way too messed up for each other. Sorry but it didn't work out 274637463785466567897 times before and right now I need to stop while I'm ahead.... you'll find someone who wont be as difficult as me.

reason...

electronic love.

I'm hoping karma doesn't come back to bite me in the ass because I've been unhappy for too long to let it keep letting happiness slip right through my fingers.

Worth it.

Finally a blog worth the effort.

Have you ever had a day good or bad where for some reason you have nothing to do but clean out your facebook and in doing so stumble across old photos, old notes, and old shit all together. Then finally once you've felt as if your satisfied with what you've done, realise how much you've changed and in looking back on all those pictures, you then relive the moments that it was captured on film. It's sad to look back and let reality take you in completely, basically swallow you whole and make it so that you start to kind of hurt.

I relived each day to each photograph I clicked back on. All at once it came crashing down to a point where I had to try to emotionally and mentally deattach myself from reminiscing. I was stuck looking back and this overwhelming feeling of want. I wanted so badly to still be living in my past, I missed the hard core partying, the endless nights with the ladies I loved, and all the gossip. I craved for my hipster days back, because back then being single was so easy and so natural. Back then life was simplicity, it was down to the very basics of just my girls and me.

With all that I had to take in, the most painful of it all was to get it to my head that I lost my bestfriends. I lost some really crazy moments, moments that would've replaced all the painful ones I had now. With moving on from that life I signed myself up for a life addicted to the game (love game) of constantly looking for that break, that ONE GUY who I would be able to just sit back and just soak n lifes goodness with.

All in all, I miss it truly and completely miss it... I miss it how I used to kick it.

p.s:
L.dubz, never will I go back on my word. I'm working on your forgivness.

Reality

This ones new, I've finally taken the time to look back on all the blogs that I've written and realized that all I've ever done was rant and vent about BOYS and all their bullshit. Truth be told I'm annoyed as heck. Why is it that the one thing that gets me writing is the one thing that tends to keep making my life hell and honestly boys are of no importance, well compared to other things in life.

Writting is my passion yet for no reason at all I use it on the stupidest subject and what good does that give. It's just the same shit over and over, constant broken hearts and endless tears. On and on I have to undergo being put through this tiring scenario. Clearly it's a waste of typing and your time for reading. So I've concluded that I need to slowly let go of my most obvious subject ... boys boys boys.

forgotten blog

blog: july 29 2009 I want to let it go, no, not with words but emotionally just deattach and make it so it dosent have to hurt me anymore. I've lived these past two years trying to move on, tryingto give myself a chance to redeem myself emotionally so that I could at least have a fragment of that happiness in which I used to feel. I want to feel as though I'm no longer holding on to this rusty old handle trying to figure out how to unlock the door again. It's like this constant reminder of how many times I cried myself to sleep and how Istill do from time to time, it's a reminder of that unbareable pain I felt waking up every morning knowing that everything was different. It's a reminder of all the tears and pain because to me remembering the hurt is easier then reminiscing on the blissful moments.
If I were to look back on those good times, it would ruin me. If I were truly eager to let myself reopen those wounds and recall all the smiles and promises all I can see as a result would be me having to regroup myself all over again and look how far that's gotten me.

Conclusionjuly 29 2009
After two years of trying to get over this relationship and attempting to move on all it's done is made me want to give up. It's become clear to me that I have to stop trying to replace my scars with new relationships because it's a painfully pointlessthing. I'm over being categorized as a "serial dater" it's a horrible image at that. Therefor I would rather be that girl who no ones notices,that girl who sit's in the corner of the lunch room invisible to everyone else. Why? because if I were to be invisible rather than to be "out there"i would then be able to accept everything completely for what it is rather then being that person who keeps putting it aside for less important things. If I were to be cast aside that would clear 75% of my schedule leaving me with 75% more time to focus on shit that matters thus giving me 100% time of real down to earth living, 100% of MY time to redo or mend some real meaningful relationships with family and friends. With that time I could be my OLDself, the one that a majority of people have yet to see. For the record I used to LOVE reading books, watching the news late at night with my family, I used to go for runs every week at 6:00 in the morning, do two laps around langara before dinner everyother day, I used to be so passionate aboutart especially my dancing and drawing, and I used to still keep in close touch with a huge number of my close friends in Winnipeg and Toronto. Nowa days it's difficult to even be on msn long enough to catch up on one of my friends' lives, these days it's like the only thing that matters to me ispartying and going out. For that I feel like I've forgotten all my morals, forgotten all the things that should mean the most and instead I've pushed it all aside.The stupid things I've done for wasteful people, I've missed birthdays of friends that I've known and who have been there for me since highschool started. I've skipped debuts and family events for guys who only think of getting lucky. I've been rebellious and deceitful all because I wanted to go to some stupid party that I gained nothing but a hang over at and maybe some really incriminating photos of me that will forever be instilled in my memory. Sadly the list goes on and with thatin mind I'm done. I'm done because all I've ever tried to do was start over and let my past go, but with that I found myself digging a hole so deep that it'll take a whileto get out of and fill up.
I've decided to give up because this "party girl" image has ruined me entirely and I'm over being this person that I hate. Two years ago I let the old me die outI wanted to create a new image to help me get over what happened. Instead I turned into someone that I hate and now I'm finally ready to give it up.No more boy's and there bullshit about how their different because I've been proven right MANY MANY MAANNYY times. I need to let this new me go because what it's really doneis push you away, so far that now you dont even know me because even after two years you're still the only good thing in my life that'll never change. I'm giving up because all I've ever done for two years is try to replace you and try and find a guy who could fill your shoes. Two years still committed to you of utterlessdedication to keeping my word to you and allowing myself to partake it such a painful moving on process. I've decided to let this "new me" die out and revive the "old me" the one that took rules as a guideline to a successful life rather than abiding against them for momentary happiness.

Truth hurts.

Scratch my upfront attitude cause all it is is a front. A little wall to put up so it'll can block me from what I'm really trying to say ...
I do, I want a partner to hike up a damn mountain with and just soak up lifes natural beauties, I want a phone call or text msg late at night with nothing but pointless, sweet, corny, bullshit to say. I want a reason to be mad especially for my jealousy, I want an arugument that gets me crying and him knocking on my door a couple minutes later telling me he's sorry he did me so wrong. I want to laugh at all his stupidness and cry cause he gets my mind in such a damn knot, I want to know that right away theres an imediate someone who I know will make me feel better and if not, at least sit and hold me and just LISTEN. I want someone who can just think ON HIS OWN about what to do and not bail out on me for his boys last minute. I want someone to count on, someone who I can walk down the street with and just know that he has me, and not my back but instead one step infront of me so he can stop me from falling even before I even knew what was up.

I just want the perfect guy, maybe that's why nothing will ever be enough. Ha, and even when it does come around he dosent even realize it.

Lazy - Letoya

I'm too tired and too lazy to do this same dang thing over and over again, I can alreayd fortell the end... I'm left sitting there crying tryna figure out what the hell I did wrong.
None of that shit again, I'm too LAZY.
lazy for the broken promises and the broken heart that I gotta keep mending time and time again.

unfaithful - rihanna

I don't want to be the reason for your tears, so I need to let it go before I dig a hole too deep. I want to, better yet I need to get over my past before can even think about a present. Sorry if I made it seem like I played with your head and your heart, please know it was not nor ever my intention.

I'm sorry boy please believe that all I wanted was to see you smile, but I can't be the reason for it that I'm sure.

--

Mr. So hard to get...

I thought that maybe even in the smallest way I still had a chance, a chance to redo what we did and make it better. I thought maybe we could even re-introduce one another and see how right we really are. I thought too much at one time, what I didn't think about was how I let myself fall so deep, so damn fast and all you did was just forget I even happened.

Oh boy, I've never felt so used. Yet I still can't stop feeling the way I do.

word

stumbled upon this amazing paragraph on chrifers page.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.- Rose Walker

Side Order

I dont want to hate you, but for some reason that's all you want from me, hate. I'm not that kinda girl nor will I ever be. So when your ready to be real and tell me what's up I'll be at the same spot you left me ... right HERE waiting & still caring, cause I dont wanna just throw it all away just cause our relationship went sour, you were a good friend to me and that's all I'm asking with all the bullshit and disrespect aside I just want you to be real with me again cause I know this isn't you and I'm going to keep believing it till you come back.

vibin'

I'm stuck in a bit of a pickle, trying to regain my balance with all aspects of my life. Yet it's hard when your caught stuck in the past, present, and future all at once. It's like trying to move on when you know your stuck living from yesterday. As well on a side note I know whats wrong for me but I can't muster up the courage to just get up and go, I triped and fell flat on my face for a dude who's NOTHING like my "typical". I can make a list of reasons NOT to pursue it yet, it's those same reasons that seem to draw me in. I'm magnetized by his "dope boy" ora lol shits just surreal and I dont know how to pull away. I keep being told he's no good. yet in my mind all that I know is that he's so good. As well to top it off, my comfort level around him is at perfection which I find strangely unfamiliar when just getting to know someone. All I know is that I dont want him to be just ANOTHER guy again, the same GUY that get my spirits up one day and leaves me crying the next cause I'm tiiiiiiiirrrreeeeeeed, this is it for the summer. If this screws up I'm taking a LONG ASS BREAK. Oh and, I know I got a good boy around but I can't help but push him away ... why can't I just do it right for once and stick to the good guy instead of making life harder and tryna' change a bad boy.

blissful

It's the way you talk to me, it's your random ass ANNOYING kisses when I'm trying to pay attention to a movie, it's the way you hold me so perfectly that when I'm in your arms I just want to fall asleep, it's that cute look you give me when I say something stupid, it's the way you bully me around and then grab me so I wont leave cause I'm pissed off even if it does kind of hurt, it's those tight ass hugs you give me when you randomly wake up and remeber that I'm there, it's the fact that no matter how many times you promise yourself and me that you WONT fall asleep, you do, it's how you find the cutest way to cuddle up to me and just pass out and snore SUPER loud in my face even if it's kind of gross, it's that puppy dog face and that ADORABLE way you say "NOOOOO JUST STAY PLEASE!" that you give when I wake you up to tell you that I'm going home, and it's the way you do whatever it takes to make me stay even if you're half awake, it's the way you brush my face and pat my hair when I tell you I'm not tired and then BAM I fall asleep, it's the way you take care of me even if I'm SUPER drunk and not myself, it's when you take complete control over me when were around your friends and make it obvious that there's no one else but me, it just the simple moments with you that keep me so damn addicted and reassure me of everything between us.
I'm absolutely and entirely smitten, no matter how stressful my life can be right now with this jam packed schedule of work and other ish you're my getaway and my moment of relaxation. I'm so damn happy when I'm with you, thanks :) and I think I'm finally beginning to let you get to me ... again, things with us are way better than last year thats for sure.
<3

sick & tired

2 am unexpected phone calls, late night chilling, me having to take care of you DRUNK, going M.I.A, unreturned & anwered phone calls ... all these mixed signals.
You've got me questioning everything about you , about this ...
I dont want another repeat of our past, I just want you to stay consistant about your actions and your intentions becuse I'm close to giving up and you're almost out of chances.

so...
STEP YOUR GAME UP! or else dont waste my time.

All in.

I'm caught at this point in my life where the choices I make are so damn crucial to shaping me right now. It's summer, yes, yet I got some of the greatest offers I could've ever imagined. I have this super awesome job downtown working as a corporate secretary for the vice presedents of a coffee company as well as managing and service director and I'm only frikken 17 ! how pro is that?! On the side I've gotten into the clubbing scene and met a TON of new faces. My life has been absolutely BLESSED ; the family, the CHOSEN friends, and life just all together is so at peace. Yet fr some reason I keep wanting more, I know a part of me is warning me of the overload that awaits yet Ican't stop myself from pushing. I'm juggling friends, events, parties, pageant, dance, coreographing, work (which in itself is a drain on my energy), family, bonding with my baby sister, planning trips, working at my familys cafe, dealing with this MESSED UP love life, keeping fit and sticking to my morals, and theres just so much more that I cant even think of. Somethimes I just forget to even smile and take in life because it's just moving by so fast. I have no time to sit around and mope when something gets me down and odly enough I miss that.
I miss my youth, and yeah I'm living young but I miss not having anything to be responsible for, I miss having no dead lines or having to put a curfew on myself. I miss sleeping at 5 am in the morning knowing that i've done nothing but waste my life away on msn and facebook instead of proof reading company letters and organizing documents. I miss having so much time to sit around and take in every bit of my day. It's even shown how out of place I've been physically because I'm .... NOT TANNED! I've become the absolute whitest of my surroundings and it sucks because I need those little things in order for me to be me. I'm just finally tasting the "real world" and it's amazing, but sometimes I just want to crawl back into my old skin and take a bike ride to the beach and just ENJOI!

on the side:
Seeing you today was un-real ... it's like I wasn't myself for that moment and it looked like I was living in a picture. I had it so in my mind that you were dead to me but seeing your face right there where you worked brought back some cuts and bruises... In that moment I wanted to miss you but instead I just wanted to cry because I was so foolish. You played me for a fool my friend and in doing so the way you used to be to me is something that wont ever be again. Your not that guy I fell into, nor are you the guy who I used to call my "bestfriend" ... you're gone and I miss the old you.



No more relationships for a WHILE! boys take too much time and effort to please and understand... something that I dont have right now

earl-ito

E as in extacy, the parallel drug that you were to me. Easy with the utmost obvious description of how easily you got to me. Pearl, the metaphoric prize you were, the unbelievable worth you meant every moment.
I could go on ... but I can't. I locked you away with the hurt and the pain never to be brought up again because I didn't want to feel it anymore. I wanted it stuck in my head that you hurt me and that I should hate you for everything you've done, but everytime you get brought up it's just a constant reminder of how badly you got to me, and how you still have this damn effect on me. I'm moving on but my hearts still on your sleeve. I know I might not ever get a chance to tell you my side of this story so here it is...

I was an IDIOT to bring up breaking up, but it happened I can't keep regretting it because we were falling apart. Bay when we ended you still had me even at this super depressed moment I kept faith that we'd get back up and do it right & make it last. But you kept me at this point where I didn't know what to believe, it was like this dream that kept going wrong and everytime I wanted to wake up something just got better and I couldn't live with that. I kept feeling as if there was someone else, as if I was just this side chick. Some side order of fries just to pick at when you got a little hungry. As for me you were the appitizer the main course and dessert. Sadly for me I went to look on your blogspot at such a wrong time, I read the entry you made for your ex and that was it, that's all I could take because I knew right then and there that it wasn't me anymore, you wanted someone else someone who wasn't me. I hated you for a moment and I held it till that stupid text msg at dinner with my new guy all I had in my head was how angry I was at you ... I moved on because I knew I had to. The next day I realized that you deleted me and I didn't know what to feel, but now I do...
I turned into this monster, into this "bitch" because I wanted this so badly that I didn't pay attention to what I was doing and instead of winning you back all I did was constantly poush you away and I was so blind. I lost a bestfriend, a love, I lost you ... I dont know what to say or do anymore but just to keep living life because I took your advice and I kept moving forward, but in doing so I just can't help but be reminded of the past.

I blew all my chances ...
Earl Vincent Mendez, I love you, I miss you, and I'm sorry.

Cloud Nine

You are the greatest person to me right now. You know EXACTLY what I want and need without me even having to say a thing. You're my smile and my sun every frikking day, I'm absoutely in bliss right now because you make me want to be a better person and drag you along with me :)

If I could just ask you for one thing it'd be ... please don't change and don't let this down because right now's perfection and all I want is you around.

Second Chances

I'm still in awe at whats been happening these past couple of days, A year ago I sat here at this exact spot, crying and reminiscing about how stupid I was to let you go. I screwed up so bad with you yet for some reason you came welcoming me back not only with open arms but a bowl of taiwanese food and that exact smile I fell madly inlove with. A year ago this was amazing and I though things couldn't get any better, but they did ... you've changed so much since then and I have nothing but this HUUGE smile on my face because even my family knows how much I've missed you.

Frick I never thought you'd ever come back let alone want me, but we're here and we're better than ever. We're giving this a second chance at romance, and baby it's pure bliss. Because of you I opened my eyes to how foolish I used to be, I PROMISE I'm giving this everything that I've held out on fuck the past I'm working from it and giving you the closest I can give to perfection because I lost you once and I still couldnt get over it, so I dont want to lose you again...

This time's for keeps, I'm giving this all I got and nothing less! because second chances are once in a lifetime so I NEED to hold on to this with both hands.

FOOLISH!!

I believed you, for so damn long I played the fool, YOUR FOOL! Endless time's I had it in my head that you needed time to let things cool off. I believed you cared and that you wanted this, that you simply just wanted me... but this was nothing to you right? I was just another used to be?

BULLSHIT ASIDE I WANT THE FUCKING TRUTH...
the girls, the lies, I want to know how stupid I really was to believe all the bs you told me.
You had me waiting for nothing the entire time, and I was dumb enough to stay & think for the better.

I miss it & how we used to kick it.

This has been such a journey and my mind is fluttered with all thats happening in my life right now. First off I need to get it out and ready, it's time I accept it for what it is and let it go because truth is theres another girl and there has been for a while. So it's about time I go on and live my life entirely. If my heart knows anything for certain, it's to keep beating. I've cried, I've contemplated, moped around, and cried even more but you know what? The suns got to come out eventually.
I've back tracked and re-read the wall posts and the inbox's and heck did I ever cry! but for once I got to put myself first... new slate, but no matter what I'm going to miss it how we used to kick it...


side note:
rekindling unexpected old fires brings you to life, second chance to prove myself because I messed up SO bad the first time. It's bliss, let's just hope it's not another momentary one.

so damn peaceful! ... ear candy right here!

Foolish heart

I see right through you're lies, fuck I'm NOT stupid... honestly as of right now I'm getting over it. All I am is second best, so all you are is dead & gone. I've been played a fool for a while now and you're words are just SUCH BS!

Not feelin' this...

on the real ... STOP TRYING TO GET WITH ME !. Fuck sakes this shits annoying !#$%^&* Honestly if you have any respect for me or this fucking friendship then you'll stop. It hurts enough that I'm in this situation and hurting a friend kills me so please spare me the drama just this once.

Re-FRESH !

I'm done feeling sorry for myself, form now on I'm going to let loose and live life one moment at a time. Whatever happens happens, just remember to never forget the basics !

to start off the new slate & the new day .. here's some K'naan for you, this songs amazing btw it's my new offical "get humble" song :)


"Nothing is perfect man, that's what the world is,
All I know is,
I'm enjoying today.
You know, 'cause it isn't everybody that you get to give.
And any man who knows a thing knows, he knows not a damn, damn thing at all,
And everytime I felt the hurt and I felt the givin' gettin' me up off the wall,
I'm just gonna take a minute and let it ride,
I'm just gonna take a minute and let it breeze,
I'm just gonna take a minute and let it ride,
I'm just gonna take a minute and let it breeze,"

...
Hey ... ohhh ... The good weathers here finally, so let go of all your grudges, worries, and troubles and just LIVE IT, LEARN IT, AND LOVE IT !

Torn - Letoya Luckett

So here I sit 3:09 am unable to fall back asleep. There's just way too much on my mind: school papers to finish up, debut things that I need to organize, a charity event to host and put together, pageant to prepare myself mentally and physically for, My portfolio, On going family issues, keeping my friends intact for as long as I can, and to top it off ... I have this. Just a couple days ago I knew 100% what I wanted, now I'm here unable to fall back asleep cause my minds just on over load. I can't deny theres something there, but it's just so damn painful. I don't understand what's expected from me anymore and it hurts because with stuff like this I'm always so on point and on my game. All the advice I was given is starting to hit me ... "what reason has he ever given you to stay?", to be honest it's always been me. Since day 1 I was the one who asked to chill at metro, I was the one who ditched my friends on a bus and ran from davie all the way to burrard station JUST to see him, I was the one who missioned all the way to surrey rain or shine I was there, I was the one who changed for this relationship to work, I was the one who planned almost if not ALL the times we've hung out : the dinners, the bike rides, the chilling in general. I was the one who faught and gave this my ALL, and in the end I was the one left broken hearted and crying ... I want to sit here and take things slow and not let what I've worked so hard on just vanish, yet a part of me is starting to question everything that my hearts aching for.

I'm just so torn apart, but I know this time around it's not going to be up to me because I had my turn to give it everything I had and clearly that wasn't good enough.

Take note

One more thing ... take note, don't do this out of pity for me and my emotions, don't do this because you're feeling alone and love-less. Do this because you want it and because it's worth every moment, good & bad that you put into it ... blood, sweat, tears, and even more sweat and tears. Know that emotions aren't a toy & that "love isn't a maybe thing". In all honestly my heart can't take anymore let downs.

Real talk !

I've hit a wall to my thoughts and realizations. I've come to conclude all facts for facts and all fictions for fictions. They say that in the hardest of times you tend to open you're eyes and finally see the truth. Well folks I've grasped as much truth as my body could muster and now I'm ready to face them. Truth is I'm not ready to move on so I can't force that upon myself , the body, mind and soul know when enough is enough. In seeking truth I've captured ENDLESS lies and betrayls and you know what, I'm tired ... so put some realness back into this bullshit story cause without it what happy ending can become of this?
...
confussed as hell, my braincells have never been worked so damn hard.

One step at a time.

I'm good , so damn good. All it took was some time to talk with an old friend. Past mistakes got brought up and we grew from there. Life's brightening up so damn fast, but this time around I'm not taking it for granted, every moment will be acknowledged and thanked, best buh lee dat!

Clueless.

Day 1, was a complete blur. A roller coaster with two hours of sleep and a dream of just bare flashbacks ... I woke up and wanted so badly to get my mind off of the pain. I was so used to the simple routine of dialing that same number when something came up so I had to constantly remind myself to NOT do certain things. Thankfully I had to do hair and makeup for the fashion show so that kept me busy .. too busy to be reminded of the pain but what hit was the surprise I got after the show... My old "friend" showed up and knew right away that something was wrong I mean I cant even deny that 5 years of friendship would obviously have it's toll so I gave in and took that walk. It was a momentary bliss and I was weirded out because I knew 100% that he wanted something I couldn't give ... myself.

Day 2, Reality strikes ... I want to believe so badly that he's still there & wants this ... it's what my heart wants to hear, wants to know and wants to believe is real. A reason to still hold on and another let down waiting to happen, my hearts setting itself up for another crash & burn.
My mind needs to understand that it'd over, yet I'm not ready. I want so badly for this to be easier on me, maybe there's something I'm missing & not ready for just yet, maybe this is worth it. one things for certain though I need to be his friend. I can't keep walking away from him especially not here , not now. I need to learn from all that went wrong and see that some good NEEDS to come from this. I NEED to smile even if my hearts broken inside, I NEED to keep dancing even if the fires out, I NEED to keep going even if I know I'm weak. I WANT TO GIVE UP! ... but I need to keep going.
Matt's right .. note for the next time ... keep a close lookout for my heart because I can't put myself in this position again .. I can't fall weak so easy.

P.s:
Fuck I'm so annoyed at everyone because it feels like everyone just wants me to move on ... I don't want to keep being forced on these dates, I don't want these phone calls from old flings, I don't want to party and meet new men... MY FUCKING HEART IS STILL ON HIS SLEEVE. Can't anyone just understand that I'm not myself right now and that I can't function right .. my head, and heart aren't even in the same body anymore and to tell you the truth I'm bummed, more than I ever was before. Fuck sakes it hasn't even been 24 hours ... I feel as if everyone's just being so damn inconsiderate of my emotions ... unless you have good intentions other than trying to hit on me or help me meet new guys or whatnot then FUCK OFF PLEASE!

When it all falls down ...

See if I knew how to delete posts I wouldn't have had to suffer that little scenario of going on my blog and seeing what I posted last to see how long I've put this blog aside. Stupid me, yet AGAIN! ...

So anyways the main point was to vent out so here you go oh neglected blogspot:
These past 5 days have been a complete blur to me ... It's been the ultimate high, to a devastating downfall. I'd like to acknowledge my faults and accept them, accept this for what it was, what it became, and what it is now. Yet it would be a lie, a horrible lie to myself and to this vent to say that it doesn't hurt, yes I'm only human that I accept completely. Though it would also be another lie to say that this is just an ordinary "give it a couple days to cool over and you'll be fine" heartache ... This ones going in the books, because to me it was different... but I keep asking myself WHY?!?! .

How do you cope with something so intense ... something that was rushed and shot at time and time again from such unexpected angles. I should've stopped myself from falling, falling into another stupid trap that I knew was there. Still I constantly and successfully convinced myself of this to be different, me & my stupid "Just listen to your heart, and the rest will follow" mentality. I want to say I have no regrets but then again I am still human and I'm not one to lie so why start now? ... I regret reacting to things in such a stupid manner, but I was NEVER unfaithful. I regret overreacting to the little things, but I'm sorry for being so overprotective of the thing(s) that matter so much to me. I regret constantly being around, but my bad for caring too much. I want to be bitter and cruel and tell myself to regret changing for him, regret changing my lifestyle, regret losing friends due to the fact that I didn't want to keep being the same person who "didn't give a fuck", I want to regret every single thing to the moment I met him ... but I can't.

I can't gather up the courage to hate him or think negatively of him, no matter how much he pushed me away and/or let me walk away ... I chose to stay, I chose to believe that in the end it would be worth it, in the end we could look back and realize how much we've grown from it and laugh at how foolish and uneducated we were about one another. It sucks to know that my worst fears actually happened ... it's actually done. I want to write it down publicly to get it to my head that I'm not dreaming and that I can't get my hopes up, that's why I had to let it go. Because in doing that you set yourself up for this lie, this imaginary thing that you put in your head to make you feel better in order for you to still have something to hold on and look forward to. So I say, no, that's BULL I'm not going to keep setting myself up for this fictional momentary bliss. I want to live in the real, if he's taught me anything it's to just not care about the past and keep going and as much as I've argued against it in the past maybe it's the least I could do ... right?

E, maybe one day you'll stumble upon this and smile knowing that you grew on me and taught me so much. I want you to know that everyday with you was a learning experience to be treasured, you were my best friend and ... you're presence in my life was just so epic because you unleashed and old emotion that I thought I'd lost years ago. Maybe it was quick but ... I love you & care for you and I think it'll still be here for a while, I mean in all honesty it beat everything I felt last year and the year before that. You gave me back more than you even know ... no thanks could ever repay you for bringing love back into my life, I'm smiling and dancing again and trying all new things ... all because you just took the time to talk to me and simply just bless me with you.

...
now it's time to just mellow out and handle the worst part... getting rid of this unbearable pain! I'll most def miss it !

The one and only Love Story starring "Earl the pearl" & Karraoke !

People have been buggin' out like crazy about getting the low down on how me & earl met, so here you go:

Well a year ago me & him kind of met through Ian "Jolin" at dream studios year end show, and we didnt really have eyes for eachother. Then over time I kept hearing of Earl and whatnot because I'm pretty close with Angelo, Theron, Charles, and them and they always seem to bring him up. So yeah and well my friends have been bugging me to get into bgirling cause they assume that I'd be "dope" if I worked hard at it. So I finally gave in and decided to start bgirling and on our way to practice last month we hit up lids and bascially it was kind of akward cause Earl was friends with my ex who I wasnt 100% on good terms with so we left for practice. I was just doing my thing at practise and he walked in and I seemed to have caught his eye...

Basically I never really expected to catch his attention, like I was in shock! But the next day I get a facebook notification that Earl added me and he wrote on my wall first thing and was like "look who it is!" and to be honest I was surprisingly excited and overwelmed cause Earl does have his reputation for being a real dope kid and well we started talking that day and I was like omg this guy is such a great friend and I never expected anything to go beyond friendship cause he's not my typical guy. Yet for some reason he got to me and I was hooked on him and since then I couldnt keep away I guess we just feel in love doing what we do best, dance. He bascially became the reason why I'm so passionate about dancing again cause before him I lost touch of alot of things in my life and he came at a good time.
So yeah that's our love story and it's still being written till this day, and it's love. God knows how thankful I am everyday I'm blessed to say I'm his girl.

"And check this, I kinda feel comfortable now, so I can tell y'all this I even be fantasizing about walking out on a green light just dying to get hit by a car just so I could lose my memory get transported to some third world country Just to get treated.Then somehow meet up again with you so that I could fall in love with you in a different language just to see if it still feels the same type love"

Def jam poetry gets me everytime ... it's poetry at it's finest.

I'm helplessly addicted, writting is my love

Children are the future.

So the other day on my way to see the infamous "earl the pearl" I was distrought by a conversation that I over heard on the skytrain. Yes okay I know earsdropping isn't a good trait but, if you were in my position you would do the same thing I mean everyone in the same cab as me heard them. The story is there was two KIDS I'm guessing around 14 to be nice, a girl and a boy discussing drugs. No, not like tylenol or cold medication but actual drugs like cocaine and extacy. Forgive me for being so dramatic about the situation but come on, at that age I was scared to even eat candy behind my parents back! I was so disturbed by this because the girl was basically telling the boy how to do drugs and how to sneak them into prision. I litterally wanted to smack some sense into her and bring her to church to repent and realize that shes messing her life up so early. My heart is aching for them, the mother in me has been in shock and has not recovered since then. I promise myself I will do everything in my power to not let my children become what I witnessed yesterday. My heart goes out to those kids and their families because it pains me to know that people are letting this happen, and these kids are 2 of many out there. Someone should do something about it, because is it not true that "children are our future" but if children are out smoking dope and sneaking drugs into prision then what is there to look forward to?

...

On a much happier note!

I'm tres stoked about heading to English Bay tommorrow and taking advantage of the great weather.
Ou and less we forget, my massive craving that I've had for quite a while now...

Yummmmmmm . . . Candy apples, these bad boys have been teasing me evey single time I'm downtown. Purdy's I'm comming for you !

Newb !

Well I suppose my first entry should be based on the reason as to why I did this to begin with. The simplest ways to explaining that is ...
1. I'm sick of facebook notes.
2. I've wanted to blog since forever but my laziness took it's toll as always.
3. "Why don't you just make a blog?" has been asked too many times and it's starting to irritate me.
4. I need to vent out, properly in a mature manner about issues that a majority of people on my facebook account either aren't worthy of, or just simply don't care enough to take in or accept.

Sadly I've contemplated creating a blog numerous times in my life and never really got around to doing so. Well folks I finally mustered up the energy and brain cells to create a blog, yay for me. A special recognition to my dear friend Molly who helped me with my blog, ish. But yea, I hope you enjoy what I have to offer you in this blog and basically get to see a side of me that not alot of people really get the chance to.