#1: How can I even begin to explain this situation between us. You are and always have been such an amazing person to me. You've been my strength for almost 6 years now and I could never risk what we have even if that means letting you be with some stupid lame ass hoe who doesn't even deserve you. I LOVE YOU that much, to sit here everyday knowing that no matter how much it hurts me I have to let it be because to lose you and what we have as best friends... it would end me.
#2: My utmost and sincerest apologies go out to YOU, the one person who should've never got hurt. I want to take a minute to explain myself in all different aspects of this dilemma but what it all comes down to in the end isn't understanding on your side. Instead it's just another punch in the face to how heartless I may seem in not just your eyes but everyone else who got their hopes up for you and I. I'm sorry if I made it seem like it was a waste of your time, but I reassure you, it most definitely wasn't a waste to me. I wanted so badly to prove myself to you hoping that I would change your expectations on girls instead I made it so much worse. I never took you for granted, I never lied, I was never unfaithful ... all I did was stop myself from hurting you knowing truly and completely that my heart wasn't in it completely. I would rather hurt you with the truth than with a lie, and the truth is ... what we had was fun while it lasted, but it slowly faded away and I tried so hard to keep holding on but it wasn't enough. Yet for all that you've done I owe you everything, you kept my head up when I needed that extra push and that shoulder to cry on, you came running when I was in need. Even though you hate me ... I'm so thankful for you in my life.
#3: Simply put, we are way too messed up for each other. Sorry but it didn't work out 274637463785466567897 times before and right now I need to stop while I'm ahead.... you'll find someone who wont be as difficult as me.
reason...
electronic love.
I'm hoping karma doesn't come back to bite me in the ass because I've been unhappy for too long to let it keep letting happiness slip right through my fingers.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Worth it.
Finally a blog worth the effort.
Have you ever had a day good or bad where for some reason you have nothing to do but clean out your facebook and in doing so stumble across old photos, old notes, and old shit all together. Then finally once you've felt as if your satisfied with what you've done, realise how much you've changed and in looking back on all those pictures, you then relive the moments that it was captured on film. It's sad to look back and let reality take you in completely, basically swallow you whole and make it so that you start to kind of hurt.
I relived each day to each photograph I clicked back on. All at once it came crashing down to a point where I had to try to emotionally and mentally deattach myself from reminiscing. I was stuck looking back and this overwhelming feeling of want. I wanted so badly to still be living in my past, I missed the hard core partying, the endless nights with the ladies I loved, and all the gossip. I craved for my hipster days back, because back then being single was so easy and so natural. Back then life was simplicity, it was down to the very basics of just my girls and me.
With all that I had to take in, the most painful of it all was to get it to my head that I lost my bestfriends. I lost some really crazy moments, moments that would've replaced all the painful ones I had now. With moving on from that life I signed myself up for a life addicted to the game (love game) of constantly looking for that break, that ONE GUY who I would be able to just sit back and just soak n lifes goodness with.
All in all, I miss it truly and completely miss it... I miss it how I used to kick it.
p.s:
L.dubz, never will I go back on my word. I'm working on your forgivness.
Have you ever had a day good or bad where for some reason you have nothing to do but clean out your facebook and in doing so stumble across old photos, old notes, and old shit all together. Then finally once you've felt as if your satisfied with what you've done, realise how much you've changed and in looking back on all those pictures, you then relive the moments that it was captured on film. It's sad to look back and let reality take you in completely, basically swallow you whole and make it so that you start to kind of hurt.
I relived each day to each photograph I clicked back on. All at once it came crashing down to a point where I had to try to emotionally and mentally deattach myself from reminiscing. I was stuck looking back and this overwhelming feeling of want. I wanted so badly to still be living in my past, I missed the hard core partying, the endless nights with the ladies I loved, and all the gossip. I craved for my hipster days back, because back then being single was so easy and so natural. Back then life was simplicity, it was down to the very basics of just my girls and me.
With all that I had to take in, the most painful of it all was to get it to my head that I lost my bestfriends. I lost some really crazy moments, moments that would've replaced all the painful ones I had now. With moving on from that life I signed myself up for a life addicted to the game (love game) of constantly looking for that break, that ONE GUY who I would be able to just sit back and just soak n lifes goodness with.
All in all, I miss it truly and completely miss it... I miss it how I used to kick it.
p.s:
L.dubz, never will I go back on my word. I'm working on your forgivness.
Reality
This ones new, I've finally taken the time to look back on all the blogs that I've written and realized that all I've ever done was rant and vent about BOYS and all their bullshit. Truth be told I'm annoyed as heck. Why is it that the one thing that gets me writing is the one thing that tends to keep making my life hell and honestly boys are of no importance, well compared to other things in life.
Writting is my passion yet for no reason at all I use it on the stupidest subject and what good does that give. It's just the same shit over and over, constant broken hearts and endless tears. On and on I have to undergo being put through this tiring scenario. Clearly it's a waste of typing and your time for reading. So I've concluded that I need to slowly let go of my most obvious subject ... boys boys boys.
Writting is my passion yet for no reason at all I use it on the stupidest subject and what good does that give. It's just the same shit over and over, constant broken hearts and endless tears. On and on I have to undergo being put through this tiring scenario. Clearly it's a waste of typing and your time for reading. So I've concluded that I need to slowly let go of my most obvious subject ... boys boys boys.
forgotten blog
blog: july 29 2009 I want to let it go, no, not with words but emotionally just deattach and make it so it dosent have to hurt me anymore. I've lived these past two years trying to move on, tryingto give myself a chance to redeem myself emotionally so that I could at least have a fragment of that happiness in which I used to feel. I want to feel as though I'm no longer holding on to this rusty old handle trying to figure out how to unlock the door again. It's like this constant reminder of how many times I cried myself to sleep and how Istill do from time to time, it's a reminder of that unbareable pain I felt waking up every morning knowing that everything was different. It's a reminder of all the tears and pain because to me remembering the hurt is easier then reminiscing on the blissful moments.
If I were to look back on those good times, it would ruin me. If I were truly eager to let myself reopen those wounds and recall all the smiles and promises all I can see as a result would be me having to regroup myself all over again and look how far that's gotten me.
Conclusionjuly 29 2009
After two years of trying to get over this relationship and attempting to move on all it's done is made me want to give up. It's become clear to me that I have to stop trying to replace my scars with new relationships because it's a painfully pointlessthing. I'm over being categorized as a "serial dater" it's a horrible image at that. Therefor I would rather be that girl who no ones notices,that girl who sit's in the corner of the lunch room invisible to everyone else. Why? because if I were to be invisible rather than to be "out there"i would then be able to accept everything completely for what it is rather then being that person who keeps putting it aside for less important things. If I were to be cast aside that would clear 75% of my schedule leaving me with 75% more time to focus on shit that matters thus giving me 100% time of real down to earth living, 100% of MY time to redo or mend some real meaningful relationships with family and friends. With that time I could be my OLDself, the one that a majority of people have yet to see. For the record I used to LOVE reading books, watching the news late at night with my family, I used to go for runs every week at 6:00 in the morning, do two laps around langara before dinner everyother day, I used to be so passionate aboutart especially my dancing and drawing, and I used to still keep in close touch with a huge number of my close friends in Winnipeg and Toronto. Nowa days it's difficult to even be on msn long enough to catch up on one of my friends' lives, these days it's like the only thing that matters to me ispartying and going out. For that I feel like I've forgotten all my morals, forgotten all the things that should mean the most and instead I've pushed it all aside.The stupid things I've done for wasteful people, I've missed birthdays of friends that I've known and who have been there for me since highschool started. I've skipped debuts and family events for guys who only think of getting lucky. I've been rebellious and deceitful all because I wanted to go to some stupid party that I gained nothing but a hang over at and maybe some really incriminating photos of me that will forever be instilled in my memory. Sadly the list goes on and with thatin mind I'm done. I'm done because all I've ever tried to do was start over and let my past go, but with that I found myself digging a hole so deep that it'll take a whileto get out of and fill up.
I've decided to give up because this "party girl" image has ruined me entirely and I'm over being this person that I hate. Two years ago I let the old me die outI wanted to create a new image to help me get over what happened. Instead I turned into someone that I hate and now I'm finally ready to give it up.No more boy's and there bullshit about how their different because I've been proven right MANY MANY MAANNYY times. I need to let this new me go because what it's really doneis push you away, so far that now you dont even know me because even after two years you're still the only good thing in my life that'll never change. I'm giving up because all I've ever done for two years is try to replace you and try and find a guy who could fill your shoes. Two years still committed to you of utterlessdedication to keeping my word to you and allowing myself to partake it such a painful moving on process. I've decided to let this "new me" die out and revive the "old me" the one that took rules as a guideline to a successful life rather than abiding against them for momentary happiness.
If I were to look back on those good times, it would ruin me. If I were truly eager to let myself reopen those wounds and recall all the smiles and promises all I can see as a result would be me having to regroup myself all over again and look how far that's gotten me.
Conclusionjuly 29 2009
After two years of trying to get over this relationship and attempting to move on all it's done is made me want to give up. It's become clear to me that I have to stop trying to replace my scars with new relationships because it's a painfully pointlessthing. I'm over being categorized as a "serial dater" it's a horrible image at that. Therefor I would rather be that girl who no ones notices,that girl who sit's in the corner of the lunch room invisible to everyone else. Why? because if I were to be invisible rather than to be "out there"i would then be able to accept everything completely for what it is rather then being that person who keeps putting it aside for less important things. If I were to be cast aside that would clear 75% of my schedule leaving me with 75% more time to focus on shit that matters thus giving me 100% time of real down to earth living, 100% of MY time to redo or mend some real meaningful relationships with family and friends. With that time I could be my OLDself, the one that a majority of people have yet to see. For the record I used to LOVE reading books, watching the news late at night with my family, I used to go for runs every week at 6:00 in the morning, do two laps around langara before dinner everyother day, I used to be so passionate aboutart especially my dancing and drawing, and I used to still keep in close touch with a huge number of my close friends in Winnipeg and Toronto. Nowa days it's difficult to even be on msn long enough to catch up on one of my friends' lives, these days it's like the only thing that matters to me ispartying and going out. For that I feel like I've forgotten all my morals, forgotten all the things that should mean the most and instead I've pushed it all aside.The stupid things I've done for wasteful people, I've missed birthdays of friends that I've known and who have been there for me since highschool started. I've skipped debuts and family events for guys who only think of getting lucky. I've been rebellious and deceitful all because I wanted to go to some stupid party that I gained nothing but a hang over at and maybe some really incriminating photos of me that will forever be instilled in my memory. Sadly the list goes on and with thatin mind I'm done. I'm done because all I've ever tried to do was start over and let my past go, but with that I found myself digging a hole so deep that it'll take a whileto get out of and fill up.
I've decided to give up because this "party girl" image has ruined me entirely and I'm over being this person that I hate. Two years ago I let the old me die outI wanted to create a new image to help me get over what happened. Instead I turned into someone that I hate and now I'm finally ready to give it up.No more boy's and there bullshit about how their different because I've been proven right MANY MANY MAANNYY times. I need to let this new me go because what it's really doneis push you away, so far that now you dont even know me because even after two years you're still the only good thing in my life that'll never change. I'm giving up because all I've ever done for two years is try to replace you and try and find a guy who could fill your shoes. Two years still committed to you of utterlessdedication to keeping my word to you and allowing myself to partake it such a painful moving on process. I've decided to let this "new me" die out and revive the "old me" the one that took rules as a guideline to a successful life rather than abiding against them for momentary happiness.
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