So I let the rain take over me.

I forgot how good it felt to walk out in the middle of a field and let the rain surround me.
I forgot how cold it started out to be, how the loneliness just felt underneath the crying sky.
I forgot how hard it was to let the emotion take over until the rain just got to cold to bare.
I forgot how hard I could cry in the rain and let every single pain felt tear run through me ... I forgot ...
I forgot how easy it was to breathe again because for once in life time of loneliness I could feel at peace with the rain and knew that I would never cry alone. I felt that rain helped wash the pain away, I could feel as if everything was actually going to be okay for me.
I remember now that as long as the world still has rain I'll still be able to hold on.

I need to remind myself

See love is quite perplexed, it's this amazing thing that can make you feel something that could only be felt in fairy tales, it could also be the thing that breaks you until you feel as if you can't go on another day, but most of all love can help mend the wounds of broken love and it can show you that no matter how hard you fell you can still fly and every time that love comes back around it's as if every flight gets higher. It's as if one day the scars have faded, it's as if that smile has gotten bigger and brighter over time. Love is risk, it's emotion, it's this way to discover your own limitations, love is where you learn who you are, love is the key reason to keep going on whether its love for someone else, love for friends, but what it comes down to in the end is loving yourself and accepting the good with the bad because if you dont have that how can you give yourself

time machine

Sometime's I just wish I had a time machine
so I could just go back and redo all my mistakes.
Maybe then I wouldn't be so lost and feeling
helpless all the time.

side note:
make up and hair artist for eric hamber fashion show tonight,
making girls look their best is so exciting to me!

For the first time in my whole life I can truly say that I don't care if I move a thousand miles away, I don't care if I have to restart from the very beginning again for the 43865854787906949 time ... I don't care as long as I'm with you making sure you're safe and okay.

Daddy I miss you.

I'm such a daddy's girl that every moment I'm way from my dad just irritates me, maybe thats why I'm so bitchy. Agh I just don't understand how my life could work without him, my mom I don't mind but my dad is my EVERYTHING. He's my bestest friend in the whole entire universe my safety blanket. He's someone I know would never leave my side even in the darkest of situations instead he'd try and make it so that he'd get the worst hit instead of me. My dad's my hero, my role model, my reason for everything I do, and the reason I cry when I screw up because for him I wanna be perfect. I want to be the little girl my dad will always be proud of. AGHHHH I CAN'T picture me without my dad, I'd give up the world if it was mine just for my dad. No one and nothing matters to me more than him, not even my own life. I love my daddy and I just can't lose him, not now, not EVER.

I can't do it without you, you are my everything.

I really can't deal with all the extra negativity on my plate I just can't handle it. I've already looked into seeing a damn psychiatrist for all this stress, all this bullshit that life keeps having to throw at me since apparently enough never really is enough ... At least that's how my life tends to roll. Seriously I don't want to put anyone in a position where they have to chose, I don't wanna be put in the position of having to deal with some little high school girl drama cause I'm way too over that, I don't want to try again because I'm just too drained of trying, of crying, of all that nonsense. Agh I've just lost hope in so much people and in so much shit, I'm going to start being a little more M.I.A and focus on things that should be more important to me. Like to telly you all the truth all you're bullshit is nothing to me I have my dad to worry about and what I'm going to do if I lose him so don't even try to act like you're being victimized it really is the last thing on my agenda. So if you want to file a complaint to me get a number and take a seat. I hate to be a bitch but really if you treated me half as good as I have to you then you wouldn't have to be on the bottom of my I DON'T REALLY GIVE A SHIT list :) For all other people I know half of you have been busy, I know the other half are dealing with their own problems, but all in all I know you guys would come to comfort me in a second and drop whatever it was you were doing just to make sure I smiled and I thank you guys and for respecting my requests to be alone you guys know without a doubt I'd still drop whatever I would be doing at 3 in the morning and mission to your houses :).

lots of love and respect to those who've realllyyy been there far or near, and for the others... you're welcome for showing you what a true friend really was and I'm NOT sorry that you took advantage of me and now I want nothing to do with you :).

p.s:
KK, I'm out of words I still think about you but I guess staying away is all thats left for me. Agh I fucked up so bad, but I know it's the right thing.

I've held in all that I could, this is me giving up cause there's nothing left of me. I'm tired of being stepped on, being put aside, being treated less than how I should.

Stop thinking for a moment and let me help guide you. Tell me, how I can be happy while I do this to you, how can I let you hurt while I figure my life out. What kind of person would I be if I let you do this, if I let you stick around and wait for something that might not ever happen. How can I say I care and make you cry all at the same time. I can't let you go but I know I'm no good to keep around, I know I put you in a position of totally confusion and I'm so sorry. I just need this one last, this one last chance to say good bye. Goodbye not to you, but to this ... I need to do this because I don't want to keep asking myself what if. One day, that's all I need and I promise you can go on living your life. Give me this one last time, one last time to be selfish.



"I'm callin (yeah maybe I'm selfish)
Out to (I want you to myself I can't help it)
All my (yeah maybe I'm selfish)
Y'all my ladies and I can't (maybe I'm selfish)
(I can't) Let you (let you)
(I want you to myself I can't help it)
Be with (yeah) no one (yeah) but me (yeah) baby"

I'm not ready to relive my past, I'm not ready to go back to everything I ran and hid from for the past 4 years. I'm not ready to feel those emotions all over again. Toronto I'm scared of coming back to you, but I know it's time to face it ...

all blogged out

It's finally come to this ... to knowing that no matter how much I don't want to let this go I know deep down it's the best for us. The fighting, the crying, the pushing, the shoving, the yelling, the hurtful words, the asthma and panic attacks, the physical pain, everything... it's just gotten so bad. it's gotten to a point that I've actually stepped out of myself and saw how badly we've hurt one another. 99 percent of me is convinced I need you and I that I couldn't live without you because I've become so dependent on you. Yet there's this 1 percent, this micro reason that constantly tells me that I'm wrong, that everything is wrong. I know the ratio makes no sense as to why I've come to this conclusion ... but to me it's that ONE PERCENT that determines this situation. Honestly if this was it, if this was all right I'd be 100 % no doubt about it ready to fall out flat, I'd admit and fall to my knees with nothing but vulnerability for you which I do feel like doing but its that 1% that stops me. It's because of this 1% that tells me that you make me mad, and it's this one percent that reminds me of the hurtful words I say and have said to you. I can't see you ever leaving me so know this... I have to do this, I have to let you go because I would never want anyone else to hurt you yet this one percent of me reminds me constantly that I've become my own enemy, I've made you cry, made you yell out of hurt from what I've caused. I am to blame for my own unhappiness and believe that I love you enough to stop myself from hurting you even more.

I can't put aside that I've hurt you and in doing that have hurt myself and hurt us terribly. I'm not ready to let this go but I hope you can help me be strong and just help me let this go, because I can't do this alone especially not if you keep begging for me back :(

such a hard thing to do... if not the hardest

I've realized how bad this has gotten .. I'm so in love that I'm scared to admit it. I'm scared to give you my all and right when I'm about to give in I just panic. Dont you see baby that I need you but I'm scared, Im scared to admit it but all I ask is to see me again ... see right through my bullshit and I just break down.

on another note ...

Daddy please don't leave me, I know that our families big , I know that I have more friends than fingers, I have love. Daddy please know that without you it's all nothing, because your here in m life to guide me and protect me that is my only reason to go on and live. You are my only reason to see things and appreciate them. Daddio without you I wouldn't know what to do, I'm not ready to lose you ... I'm not ready for a life without you.

God you've taken my favorite uncle from me on valentines, you let me suffer and scream for something I never wanted, you JUST took my only grandpa I knew from me before I got to grant him his wish to see me again since I was 2 ... You let me cry, and hurt, and plead for no more pain ... give me just this last break and keep my daddy here with me I promise I wont let you down. I'll watch my mouth, treat all others as I want to be treated, I'll be a good girl ... I promise. Let my dad see me graduate with a high degree, let him walk me down the isle, let him still give me a chance to show me the world, I want him to just be proud of me ... let me have him for a little while longer.

Once upon a time

Once upon a time, I knew how to love someone completely without any worry for what may happen next. I once knew how to accept with my whole heart and soul and ADMIT to myself that I had fallen. I let everything I stood strong about get right through the gates. For that I made myself into the greatest fool, and now... NOW that I have someone worth opening the gates for I can't help but be reminded of the scars and bruises. Dear pretend prince charming, because of you I'm afraid of fairy tales and happy endings.

Dear rrc, because of you I'm letting someone worthy of my love slip right through my fingers.

un FUCKING believeable!

4 fucking years and I´m left here still crying over the same shit. I locked that part of me away will all those memories, I was okay before the truth came out! How could you do this to me again? endless heartache is what it is ... My first love is what it was ... my biggest regret is what it should always be.

I can´t believe that after 4 years the truth still hasnt been told till now. The worst feeling now isn´t losing you because of thinking I was in the wrong but because YOU KEPT THE TRUTH FROM ME! how could you let me walk away after all the things I did and sacrificed. How could you let me get on that plane 4 fucking years ago and hide what you really felt. Now what´s left of me to keep wandering like some lost soul all over again.

How could you ... how could you just forget a year of loving me? I dont get it. I dont understand how after 4 years you tell me I shouldn´t have changed my flight, that I shoud´ve came running back because there was still a reason for me to come home. HOW COULD YOU FUCKING RIP OPEN THOSE SCARS THAT TOOK YEARS TO TRY AND HEAL.

I dont want to love you anymore but why can´t I let you go... why can´t I erase you from my memory, why are you still haunting me!!!!!!!!

all theres left to do is reminisce

you know its true what they say
you never forget your fisrt true love
cause its been awhile since i seen you
and as much as i want to let go of our past
your were just one of the things in my life
that ill never forget
this ones dedicated to you
listen

i remember my first love just like it was yesterday
so young and nieve
we didnt know what to do or say
and boy you were so beautiful
you were so perfect in my eyes
i know you saw me the same
and though we both changed
there are some things i came to realize
do you ever look back on how we used to be
do you ever think about you and me
i would never forget you because all that we been through
in my heart youll stay eternally
do you ever look back on how it used to be
though we grown apart and gone astray
lately your all that im thinking of
cause ill never forget my first love
see you never forget your first love

i remember when we first danced
angel of mine
kept you warm onthem rainy days
wanted to give you roses on the first time
see i remember when we first kissed
you were my baby my friend my lover

do you ever look back on how we used to be
do you ever think about you and me
i would never forget you because all that we been through
in my heart youll stay eternally
do you ever look back on how it used to be
though we grown apart and gone astray
lately your all that im thinking of
cause ill never forget my first love
see you never forget your first love

ill never forget you
your my first love

chopped and screwed

IM DONE CRYING I CANNNNNTTTTT TAKE THIS

let me put you in your place

Let me tell you straight up all the things Ive been dying to tell you for almost a damn year now. Before it all, before everything and anything you had my heart racing knowing that you GENUINELY cared. Cared enough to stay up late at night and tell me things, secrets that you'd never wanted to share with anyone else and with that alone you made me feel so wanted so special enough for you to turn to me and to trust me barely even knowing. You let me in when they all just shut me out, when them other " fellas " used me as a trophy and only cared about what I looked like rather than what I was inside you saw through it all and took the time to learn it.

I want you to know that every time my phone beeped my heart skipped a beat no matter how lame the text MSG I couldn't help but smile. Everyday I woke up running to my cell phone wishing you a good morning rain or shine. Every time I tried to stay away I couldn't stop and i was hooked. For the first time in a long time you got me to really smile again. Every day I always take the time the moment to reflect and see how it would be if maybe just maybe I took the time to go to krispy kreme and get that one doughnut that I wanted so badly. Yet every time I try it's like I'm being pushed away. It's like you wont let me in anymore and I wanna still be here for you, you don't understand how badly I just wanna be here, there, where ever for you even if that does mean being away.

I'm sorry I was so stupid.

frustrated

Agh I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and still no one can hear me. I'm done I dont want to cry anymore can't I just be happy because selfish enough for me to sya but I DESEARVE to be happy!

What would you do

I'm falling out flat, trying to run from the one thing I'm scared of most... Losing me. I can't keep putting on this front like I know what's up everyday, I can't keep being confident and acting like I'm some sort of top notch shit, I can't keep living this lie. I'm slowly falling out, out of being myself and lets be honest ... the other night you told me "I dont even know who you are when your with your girls, to me you're someone completely different ". Truth is, I'm not myself when I'm with you so what happened. I thought I'd always know what was up, I thought I could always keep my head up and look towards the positive, but I guess I was wrong so wrong.

So now what, what do I do when it all falls down? Do I keep pushing even when I know it might already be too late, or do I give in and let the world take over me. I dont want to be lost anymore I wish life could just send me a letter telling me how to fix this.

Take it from here

I'm lost in translation, trying to see exactly where we went wrong. Scratch that where I ALONE went wrong. I'm constantly always trying to keep everyone pleased and in the end the conclusion stays the same, I'm always left unhappy wondering what I did so wrong to deserve so much bullshit.

To the ones who should matter most but choose to let me down instead, I'm fed up with the bullshit, the lies, the tears, the pain. I've come to terms with the fact that all I'm ever going to be is a mistake and I guess that's all I ever was. They say in the end the only ones left standing are your family so you must cherish them, but what if the story turns out to be so much more wrong and rather than being there loving each other unconditionally because of that unfathomable bond ... we've come to hate each other so much to a point where I don't know how I'll ever forgive any of you. I'm done and fed up with thinking that I've kept screwing up when in fact you've all built up countless years of lies and is that all I'm supposed to believe... that my entire existence has been based on lies and nothing but that. How can I even begin to seek truth when that's all I know, it kills me to know that the people I've learned to learn and please all my life out of LOVE and nothing less than... have went and stabbed me right in the back.

If I could say one last thing to all of you in whom I call my family it's, I wish I never came into your world because I did nothing to desearve this. I swear if I dont get out and leave now I'm going to be under a state of depression I can feel the chill arise in my bones already.

this is me

In spite of this tragedy I have nothing but realization, no tears, no pain just this ongoing realization of the real me and my wants. It's funny how life has it's fucked up way of making you see things, of making you know who you really are inside out. I lived these past months giving myself offering nothing but myself truly and completely yet I'm supposed to be the one in the end suffering. I'm suffering because I know that I love him but I just can't be with him, and that is probably one of the hardest things I will ever come to know. To look love in the face and tell it to walk away ... Ive done many MANY stupid things in my life but this for some reason, this action that I'm doing is out of my hands it somehow has a mind of it's own. I mean what the fuck can I do when every part of me is pushing love away and yet my heart is screaming to pull him back and it's as if I'm just another person looking at myself not able to rescue the one thing that truly makes me complete.

So this is me?!?! after eighteen years this is what's come of me, a "fucking coward". Too fucking coward enough to stand up even against myself in order to do whats right, what my heart knows is right. Yet at the end of the day the question is... can keep letting myself do this to him, they say sometimes in love as much as it hurts to let go it really is for the best. Because isn't it that when you love someone so much you wouldn't want them getting hurt, you'd do anything you possibly could to keep those tears from falling. Sometimes the most painful realization is knowing that the one you love is hurting because of you, it hurts so bad because you know what's to be of the situation but your too selfish and scared to actually let them go even when you know it's the best thing. To me that's the final test of love, to know that you love someone so much that you'd give them the universe and when the time comes that what you've done has torn your relationship apart rather than bring you together to finally gather up the strength to walk away from love. to sacrifice your own happiness for the one you love.

They say every Sunday that God loved us so much he sacrificed his own son for our sins. I was raised to believe everything in church because those teachings alone were the true definition of our existence, of love. So is it not our turn to do the same, to sacrifice letting something we love die so that in the end things can be better. I want to be told that what I'm doing is right, that by letting love go I'm doing whats best ... because I can't come to terms with that alone. My heart has never felt so needy, yearning for love ... this one love that has replaced all feeling or past expectations of love. To know that I'm letting the person I was meant to be with, I'm letting him go because it's the right thing?

agh I need a drink life has too many fucked up obstacles to face

Ian Orpilla, His words are fucking gold

So I stumbled across a great friends blog and ran into this amazing entry, no word has ever hit me so deep. I thought I should repost and share it because this was so worthy of that.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2009

you win

"The greatest irony of love is loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life and sometimes, you think you're already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again.

For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person. In my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else. Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love. Love is always present. It is just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little.

As we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right. Most often we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them we are just for passing time, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger.

So here's a piece of advice, let go when you're hurting too much. Give up when love isn't enough. And move on when things are not like before. It’s certain. There is someone out there who will love you even more."

slackkin' and confussed

4:02 am and I'm still contemplating whether or not the decision I made was the correct one. It's like in life that's all it ever is, just a constant question mark and for once I just want the right thing laid out for me to read. One thing that wont leave my mind is ... when or ... "WHAT IF" I stupidly, unknowingly pushed true love away. Yet I cant get over how painful this is, how undeniably heart aching it was to be slapped in the face not once or twice but numerous times by his own FRIENDS. All I've ever done was try to be the best for this one dude, the one guy who made me feel some sort of emotion that could never be matched. For once an off the rector scale especially of my standards.

Reality just struck me thanks to an amazing friend, he could've said the usual and told me I deserved better instead he told me he knew a good guy when he saw one ... the last person I would ever suspected to defend him was the one who made me realize that I was nothing without him*.

"Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta figure out who’s worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

OMG, I'm so stupid I let love in and pushed him away. Everything that I was ever raised to know was put to the test and I failed miserably.