this is me

In spite of this tragedy I have nothing but realization, no tears, no pain just this ongoing realization of the real me and my wants. It's funny how life has it's fucked up way of making you see things, of making you know who you really are inside out. I lived these past months giving myself offering nothing but myself truly and completely yet I'm supposed to be the one in the end suffering. I'm suffering because I know that I love him but I just can't be with him, and that is probably one of the hardest things I will ever come to know. To look love in the face and tell it to walk away ... Ive done many MANY stupid things in my life but this for some reason, this action that I'm doing is out of my hands it somehow has a mind of it's own. I mean what the fuck can I do when every part of me is pushing love away and yet my heart is screaming to pull him back and it's as if I'm just another person looking at myself not able to rescue the one thing that truly makes me complete.

So this is me?!?! after eighteen years this is what's come of me, a "fucking coward". Too fucking coward enough to stand up even against myself in order to do whats right, what my heart knows is right. Yet at the end of the day the question is... can keep letting myself do this to him, they say sometimes in love as much as it hurts to let go it really is for the best. Because isn't it that when you love someone so much you wouldn't want them getting hurt, you'd do anything you possibly could to keep those tears from falling. Sometimes the most painful realization is knowing that the one you love is hurting because of you, it hurts so bad because you know what's to be of the situation but your too selfish and scared to actually let them go even when you know it's the best thing. To me that's the final test of love, to know that you love someone so much that you'd give them the universe and when the time comes that what you've done has torn your relationship apart rather than bring you together to finally gather up the strength to walk away from love. to sacrifice your own happiness for the one you love.

They say every Sunday that God loved us so much he sacrificed his own son for our sins. I was raised to believe everything in church because those teachings alone were the true definition of our existence, of love. So is it not our turn to do the same, to sacrifice letting something we love die so that in the end things can be better. I want to be told that what I'm doing is right, that by letting love go I'm doing whats best ... because I can't come to terms with that alone. My heart has never felt so needy, yearning for love ... this one love that has replaced all feeling or past expectations of love. To know that I'm letting the person I was meant to be with, I'm letting him go because it's the right thing?

agh I need a drink life has too many fucked up obstacles to face

Ian Orpilla, His words are fucking gold

So I stumbled across a great friends blog and ran into this amazing entry, no word has ever hit me so deep. I thought I should repost and share it because this was so worthy of that.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2009

you win

"The greatest irony of love is loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life and sometimes, you think you're already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again.

For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person. In my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else. Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love. Love is always present. It is just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little.

As we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right. Most often we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them we are just for passing time, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger.

So here's a piece of advice, let go when you're hurting too much. Give up when love isn't enough. And move on when things are not like before. It’s certain. There is someone out there who will love you even more."

slackkin' and confussed

4:02 am and I'm still contemplating whether or not the decision I made was the correct one. It's like in life that's all it ever is, just a constant question mark and for once I just want the right thing laid out for me to read. One thing that wont leave my mind is ... when or ... "WHAT IF" I stupidly, unknowingly pushed true love away. Yet I cant get over how painful this is, how undeniably heart aching it was to be slapped in the face not once or twice but numerous times by his own FRIENDS. All I've ever done was try to be the best for this one dude, the one guy who made me feel some sort of emotion that could never be matched. For once an off the rector scale especially of my standards.

Reality just struck me thanks to an amazing friend, he could've said the usual and told me I deserved better instead he told me he knew a good guy when he saw one ... the last person I would ever suspected to defend him was the one who made me realize that I was nothing without him*.

"Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta figure out who’s worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

OMG, I'm so stupid I let love in and pushed him away. Everything that I was ever raised to know was put to the test and I failed miserably.