I've realized how bad this has gotten .. I'm so in love that I'm scared to admit it. I'm scared to give you my all and right when I'm about to give in I just panic. Dont you see baby that I need you but I'm scared, Im scared to admit it but all I ask is to see me again ... see right through my bullshit and I just break down.

on another note ...

Daddy please don't leave me, I know that our families big , I know that I have more friends than fingers, I have love. Daddy please know that without you it's all nothing, because your here in m life to guide me and protect me that is my only reason to go on and live. You are my only reason to see things and appreciate them. Daddio without you I wouldn't know what to do, I'm not ready to lose you ... I'm not ready for a life without you.

God you've taken my favorite uncle from me on valentines, you let me suffer and scream for something I never wanted, you JUST took my only grandpa I knew from me before I got to grant him his wish to see me again since I was 2 ... You let me cry, and hurt, and plead for no more pain ... give me just this last break and keep my daddy here with me I promise I wont let you down. I'll watch my mouth, treat all others as I want to be treated, I'll be a good girl ... I promise. Let my dad see me graduate with a high degree, let him walk me down the isle, let him still give me a chance to show me the world, I want him to just be proud of me ... let me have him for a little while longer.

Once upon a time

Once upon a time, I knew how to love someone completely without any worry for what may happen next. I once knew how to accept with my whole heart and soul and ADMIT to myself that I had fallen. I let everything I stood strong about get right through the gates. For that I made myself into the greatest fool, and now... NOW that I have someone worth opening the gates for I can't help but be reminded of the scars and bruises. Dear pretend prince charming, because of you I'm afraid of fairy tales and happy endings.

Dear rrc, because of you I'm letting someone worthy of my love slip right through my fingers.

un FUCKING believeable!

4 fucking years and I´m left here still crying over the same shit. I locked that part of me away will all those memories, I was okay before the truth came out! How could you do this to me again? endless heartache is what it is ... My first love is what it was ... my biggest regret is what it should always be.

I can´t believe that after 4 years the truth still hasnt been told till now. The worst feeling now isn´t losing you because of thinking I was in the wrong but because YOU KEPT THE TRUTH FROM ME! how could you let me walk away after all the things I did and sacrificed. How could you let me get on that plane 4 fucking years ago and hide what you really felt. Now what´s left of me to keep wandering like some lost soul all over again.

How could you ... how could you just forget a year of loving me? I dont get it. I dont understand how after 4 years you tell me I shouldn´t have changed my flight, that I shoud´ve came running back because there was still a reason for me to come home. HOW COULD YOU FUCKING RIP OPEN THOSE SCARS THAT TOOK YEARS TO TRY AND HEAL.

I dont want to love you anymore but why can´t I let you go... why can´t I erase you from my memory, why are you still haunting me!!!!!!!!

all theres left to do is reminisce

you know its true what they say
you never forget your fisrt true love
cause its been awhile since i seen you
and as much as i want to let go of our past
your were just one of the things in my life
that ill never forget
this ones dedicated to you
listen

i remember my first love just like it was yesterday
so young and nieve
we didnt know what to do or say
and boy you were so beautiful
you were so perfect in my eyes
i know you saw me the same
and though we both changed
there are some things i came to realize
do you ever look back on how we used to be
do you ever think about you and me
i would never forget you because all that we been through
in my heart youll stay eternally
do you ever look back on how it used to be
though we grown apart and gone astray
lately your all that im thinking of
cause ill never forget my first love
see you never forget your first love

i remember when we first danced
angel of mine
kept you warm onthem rainy days
wanted to give you roses on the first time
see i remember when we first kissed
you were my baby my friend my lover

do you ever look back on how we used to be
do you ever think about you and me
i would never forget you because all that we been through
in my heart youll stay eternally
do you ever look back on how it used to be
though we grown apart and gone astray
lately your all that im thinking of
cause ill never forget my first love
see you never forget your first love

ill never forget you
your my first love

chopped and screwed

IM DONE CRYING I CANNNNNTTTTT TAKE THIS

let me put you in your place

Let me tell you straight up all the things Ive been dying to tell you for almost a damn year now. Before it all, before everything and anything you had my heart racing knowing that you GENUINELY cared. Cared enough to stay up late at night and tell me things, secrets that you'd never wanted to share with anyone else and with that alone you made me feel so wanted so special enough for you to turn to me and to trust me barely even knowing. You let me in when they all just shut me out, when them other " fellas " used me as a trophy and only cared about what I looked like rather than what I was inside you saw through it all and took the time to learn it.

I want you to know that every time my phone beeped my heart skipped a beat no matter how lame the text MSG I couldn't help but smile. Everyday I woke up running to my cell phone wishing you a good morning rain or shine. Every time I tried to stay away I couldn't stop and i was hooked. For the first time in a long time you got me to really smile again. Every day I always take the time the moment to reflect and see how it would be if maybe just maybe I took the time to go to krispy kreme and get that one doughnut that I wanted so badly. Yet every time I try it's like I'm being pushed away. It's like you wont let me in anymore and I wanna still be here for you, you don't understand how badly I just wanna be here, there, where ever for you even if that does mean being away.

I'm sorry I was so stupid.