FOOLISH!!

I believed you, for so damn long I played the fool, YOUR FOOL! Endless time's I had it in my head that you needed time to let things cool off. I believed you cared and that you wanted this, that you simply just wanted me... but this was nothing to you right? I was just another used to be?

BULLSHIT ASIDE I WANT THE FUCKING TRUTH...
the girls, the lies, I want to know how stupid I really was to believe all the bs you told me.
You had me waiting for nothing the entire time, and I was dumb enough to stay & think for the better.

I miss it & how we used to kick it.

This has been such a journey and my mind is fluttered with all thats happening in my life right now. First off I need to get it out and ready, it's time I accept it for what it is and let it go because truth is theres another girl and there has been for a while. So it's about time I go on and live my life entirely. If my heart knows anything for certain, it's to keep beating. I've cried, I've contemplated, moped around, and cried even more but you know what? The suns got to come out eventually.
I've back tracked and re-read the wall posts and the inbox's and heck did I ever cry! but for once I got to put myself first... new slate, but no matter what I'm going to miss it how we used to kick it...


side note:
rekindling unexpected old fires brings you to life, second chance to prove myself because I messed up SO bad the first time. It's bliss, let's just hope it's not another momentary one.

so damn peaceful! ... ear candy right here!

Foolish heart

I see right through you're lies, fuck I'm NOT stupid... honestly as of right now I'm getting over it. All I am is second best, so all you are is dead & gone. I've been played a fool for a while now and you're words are just SUCH BS!

Not feelin' this...

on the real ... STOP TRYING TO GET WITH ME !. Fuck sakes this shits annoying !#$%^&* Honestly if you have any respect for me or this fucking friendship then you'll stop. It hurts enough that I'm in this situation and hurting a friend kills me so please spare me the drama just this once.

Re-FRESH !

I'm done feeling sorry for myself, form now on I'm going to let loose and live life one moment at a time. Whatever happens happens, just remember to never forget the basics !

to start off the new slate & the new day .. here's some K'naan for you, this songs amazing btw it's my new offical "get humble" song :)


"Nothing is perfect man, that's what the world is,
All I know is,
I'm enjoying today.
You know, 'cause it isn't everybody that you get to give.
And any man who knows a thing knows, he knows not a damn, damn thing at all,
And everytime I felt the hurt and I felt the givin' gettin' me up off the wall,
I'm just gonna take a minute and let it ride,
I'm just gonna take a minute and let it breeze,
I'm just gonna take a minute and let it ride,
I'm just gonna take a minute and let it breeze,"

...
Hey ... ohhh ... The good weathers here finally, so let go of all your grudges, worries, and troubles and just LIVE IT, LEARN IT, AND LOVE IT !

Torn - Letoya Luckett

So here I sit 3:09 am unable to fall back asleep. There's just way too much on my mind: school papers to finish up, debut things that I need to organize, a charity event to host and put together, pageant to prepare myself mentally and physically for, My portfolio, On going family issues, keeping my friends intact for as long as I can, and to top it off ... I have this. Just a couple days ago I knew 100% what I wanted, now I'm here unable to fall back asleep cause my minds just on over load. I can't deny theres something there, but it's just so damn painful. I don't understand what's expected from me anymore and it hurts because with stuff like this I'm always so on point and on my game. All the advice I was given is starting to hit me ... "what reason has he ever given you to stay?", to be honest it's always been me. Since day 1 I was the one who asked to chill at metro, I was the one who ditched my friends on a bus and ran from davie all the way to burrard station JUST to see him, I was the one who missioned all the way to surrey rain or shine I was there, I was the one who changed for this relationship to work, I was the one who planned almost if not ALL the times we've hung out : the dinners, the bike rides, the chilling in general. I was the one who faught and gave this my ALL, and in the end I was the one left broken hearted and crying ... I want to sit here and take things slow and not let what I've worked so hard on just vanish, yet a part of me is starting to question everything that my hearts aching for.

I'm just so torn apart, but I know this time around it's not going to be up to me because I had my turn to give it everything I had and clearly that wasn't good enough.

Take note

One more thing ... take note, don't do this out of pity for me and my emotions, don't do this because you're feeling alone and love-less. Do this because you want it and because it's worth every moment, good & bad that you put into it ... blood, sweat, tears, and even more sweat and tears. Know that emotions aren't a toy & that "love isn't a maybe thing". In all honestly my heart can't take anymore let downs.

Real talk !

I've hit a wall to my thoughts and realizations. I've come to conclude all facts for facts and all fictions for fictions. They say that in the hardest of times you tend to open you're eyes and finally see the truth. Well folks I've grasped as much truth as my body could muster and now I'm ready to face them. Truth is I'm not ready to move on so I can't force that upon myself , the body, mind and soul know when enough is enough. In seeking truth I've captured ENDLESS lies and betrayls and you know what, I'm tired ... so put some realness back into this bullshit story cause without it what happy ending can become of this?
...
confussed as hell, my braincells have never been worked so damn hard.

One step at a time.

I'm good , so damn good. All it took was some time to talk with an old friend. Past mistakes got brought up and we grew from there. Life's brightening up so damn fast, but this time around I'm not taking it for granted, every moment will be acknowledged and thanked, best buh lee dat!

Clueless.

Day 1, was a complete blur. A roller coaster with two hours of sleep and a dream of just bare flashbacks ... I woke up and wanted so badly to get my mind off of the pain. I was so used to the simple routine of dialing that same number when something came up so I had to constantly remind myself to NOT do certain things. Thankfully I had to do hair and makeup for the fashion show so that kept me busy .. too busy to be reminded of the pain but what hit was the surprise I got after the show... My old "friend" showed up and knew right away that something was wrong I mean I cant even deny that 5 years of friendship would obviously have it's toll so I gave in and took that walk. It was a momentary bliss and I was weirded out because I knew 100% that he wanted something I couldn't give ... myself.

Day 2, Reality strikes ... I want to believe so badly that he's still there & wants this ... it's what my heart wants to hear, wants to know and wants to believe is real. A reason to still hold on and another let down waiting to happen, my hearts setting itself up for another crash & burn.
My mind needs to understand that it'd over, yet I'm not ready. I want so badly for this to be easier on me, maybe there's something I'm missing & not ready for just yet, maybe this is worth it. one things for certain though I need to be his friend. I can't keep walking away from him especially not here , not now. I need to learn from all that went wrong and see that some good NEEDS to come from this. I NEED to smile even if my hearts broken inside, I NEED to keep dancing even if the fires out, I NEED to keep going even if I know I'm weak. I WANT TO GIVE UP! ... but I need to keep going.
Matt's right .. note for the next time ... keep a close lookout for my heart because I can't put myself in this position again .. I can't fall weak so easy.

P.s:
Fuck I'm so annoyed at everyone because it feels like everyone just wants me to move on ... I don't want to keep being forced on these dates, I don't want these phone calls from old flings, I don't want to party and meet new men... MY FUCKING HEART IS STILL ON HIS SLEEVE. Can't anyone just understand that I'm not myself right now and that I can't function right .. my head, and heart aren't even in the same body anymore and to tell you the truth I'm bummed, more than I ever was before. Fuck sakes it hasn't even been 24 hours ... I feel as if everyone's just being so damn inconsiderate of my emotions ... unless you have good intentions other than trying to hit on me or help me meet new guys or whatnot then FUCK OFF PLEASE!

When it all falls down ...

See if I knew how to delete posts I wouldn't have had to suffer that little scenario of going on my blog and seeing what I posted last to see how long I've put this blog aside. Stupid me, yet AGAIN! ...

So anyways the main point was to vent out so here you go oh neglected blogspot:
These past 5 days have been a complete blur to me ... It's been the ultimate high, to a devastating downfall. I'd like to acknowledge my faults and accept them, accept this for what it was, what it became, and what it is now. Yet it would be a lie, a horrible lie to myself and to this vent to say that it doesn't hurt, yes I'm only human that I accept completely. Though it would also be another lie to say that this is just an ordinary "give it a couple days to cool over and you'll be fine" heartache ... This ones going in the books, because to me it was different... but I keep asking myself WHY?!?! .

How do you cope with something so intense ... something that was rushed and shot at time and time again from such unexpected angles. I should've stopped myself from falling, falling into another stupid trap that I knew was there. Still I constantly and successfully convinced myself of this to be different, me & my stupid "Just listen to your heart, and the rest will follow" mentality. I want to say I have no regrets but then again I am still human and I'm not one to lie so why start now? ... I regret reacting to things in such a stupid manner, but I was NEVER unfaithful. I regret overreacting to the little things, but I'm sorry for being so overprotective of the thing(s) that matter so much to me. I regret constantly being around, but my bad for caring too much. I want to be bitter and cruel and tell myself to regret changing for him, regret changing my lifestyle, regret losing friends due to the fact that I didn't want to keep being the same person who "didn't give a fuck", I want to regret every single thing to the moment I met him ... but I can't.

I can't gather up the courage to hate him or think negatively of him, no matter how much he pushed me away and/or let me walk away ... I chose to stay, I chose to believe that in the end it would be worth it, in the end we could look back and realize how much we've grown from it and laugh at how foolish and uneducated we were about one another. It sucks to know that my worst fears actually happened ... it's actually done. I want to write it down publicly to get it to my head that I'm not dreaming and that I can't get my hopes up, that's why I had to let it go. Because in doing that you set yourself up for this lie, this imaginary thing that you put in your head to make you feel better in order for you to still have something to hold on and look forward to. So I say, no, that's BULL I'm not going to keep setting myself up for this fictional momentary bliss. I want to live in the real, if he's taught me anything it's to just not care about the past and keep going and as much as I've argued against it in the past maybe it's the least I could do ... right?

E, maybe one day you'll stumble upon this and smile knowing that you grew on me and taught me so much. I want you to know that everyday with you was a learning experience to be treasured, you were my best friend and ... you're presence in my life was just so epic because you unleashed and old emotion that I thought I'd lost years ago. Maybe it was quick but ... I love you & care for you and I think it'll still be here for a while, I mean in all honesty it beat everything I felt last year and the year before that. You gave me back more than you even know ... no thanks could ever repay you for bringing love back into my life, I'm smiling and dancing again and trying all new things ... all because you just took the time to talk to me and simply just bless me with you.

...
now it's time to just mellow out and handle the worst part... getting rid of this unbearable pain! I'll most def miss it !