So anyways the main point was to vent out so here you go oh neglected blogspot:
These past 5 days have been a complete blur to me ... It's been the ultimate high, to a devastating downfall. I'd like to acknowledge my faults and accept them, accept this for what it was, what it became, and what it is now. Yet it would be a lie, a horrible lie to myself and to this vent to say that it doesn't hurt, yes I'm only human that I accept completely. Though it would also be another lie to say that this is just an ordinary "give it a couple days to cool over and you'll be fine" heartache ... This ones going in the books, because to me it was different... but I keep asking myself WHY?!?! .
How do you cope with something so intense ... something that was rushed and shot at time and time again from such unexpected angles. I should've stopped myself from falling, falling into another stupid trap that I knew was there. Still I constantly and successfully convinced myself of this to be different, me & my stupid "Just listen to your heart, and the rest will follow" mentality. I want to say I have no regrets but then again I am still human and I'm not one to lie so why start now? ... I regret reacting to things in such a stupid manner, but I was NEVER unfaithful. I regret overreacting to the little things, but I'm sorry for being so overprotective of the thing(s) that matter so much to me. I regret constantly being around, but my bad for caring too much. I want to be bitter and cruel and tell myself to regret changing for him, regret changing my lifestyle, regret losing friends due to the fact that I didn't want to keep being the same person who "didn't give a fuck", I want to regret every single thing to the moment I met him ... but I can't.
I can't gather up the courage to hate him or think negatively of him, no matter how much he pushed me away and/or let me walk away ... I chose to stay, I chose to believe that in the end it would be worth it, in the end we could look back and realize how much we've grown from it and laugh at how foolish and uneducated we were about one another. It sucks to know that my worst fears actually happened ... it's actually done. I want to write it down publicly to get it to my head that I'm not dreaming and that I can't get my hopes up, that's why I had to let it go. Because in doing that you set yourself up for this lie, this imaginary thing that you put in your head to make you feel better in order for you to still have something to hold on and look forward to. So I say, no, that's BULL I'm not going to keep setting myself up for this fictional momentary bliss. I want to live in the real, if he's taught me anything it's to just not care about the past and keep going and as much as I've argued against it in the past maybe it's the least I could do ... right?
E, maybe one day you'll stumble upon this and smile knowing that you grew on me and taught me so much. I want you to know that everyday with you was a learning experience to be treasured, you were my best friend and ... you're presence in my life was just so epic because you unleashed and old emotion that I thought I'd lost years ago. Maybe it was quick but ... I love you & care for you and I think it'll still be here for a while, I mean in all honesty it beat everything I felt last year and the year before that. You gave me back more than you even know ... no thanks could ever repay you for bringing love back into my life, I'm smiling and dancing again and trying all new things ... all because you just took the time to talk to me and simply just bless me with you.
...
now it's time to just mellow out and handle the worst part... getting rid of this unbearable pain!
I'll most def miss it !
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