I'm such a daddy's girl that every moment I'm way from my dad just irritates me, maybe thats why I'm so bitchy. Agh I just don't understand how my life could work without him, my mom I don't mind but my dad is my EVERYTHING. He's my bestest friend in the whole entire universe my safety blanket. He's someone I know would never leave my side even in the darkest of situations instead he'd try and make it so that he'd get the worst hit instead of me. My dad's my hero, my role model, my reason for everything I do, and the reason I cry when I screw up because for him I wanna be perfect. I want to be the little girl my dad will always be proud of. AGHHHH I CAN'T picture me without my dad, I'd give up the world if it was mine just for my dad. No one and nothing matters to me more than him, not even my own life. I love my daddy and I just can't lose him, not now, not EVER.

I can't do it without you, you are my everything.

I really can't deal with all the extra negativity on my plate I just can't handle it. I've already looked into seeing a damn psychiatrist for all this stress, all this bullshit that life keeps having to throw at me since apparently enough never really is enough ... At least that's how my life tends to roll. Seriously I don't want to put anyone in a position where they have to chose, I don't wanna be put in the position of having to deal with some little high school girl drama cause I'm way too over that, I don't want to try again because I'm just too drained of trying, of crying, of all that nonsense. Agh I've just lost hope in so much people and in so much shit, I'm going to start being a little more M.I.A and focus on things that should be more important to me. Like to telly you all the truth all you're bullshit is nothing to me I have my dad to worry about and what I'm going to do if I lose him so don't even try to act like you're being victimized it really is the last thing on my agenda. So if you want to file a complaint to me get a number and take a seat. I hate to be a bitch but really if you treated me half as good as I have to you then you wouldn't have to be on the bottom of my I DON'T REALLY GIVE A SHIT list :) For all other people I know half of you have been busy, I know the other half are dealing with their own problems, but all in all I know you guys would come to comfort me in a second and drop whatever it was you were doing just to make sure I smiled and I thank you guys and for respecting my requests to be alone you guys know without a doubt I'd still drop whatever I would be doing at 3 in the morning and mission to your houses :).

lots of love and respect to those who've realllyyy been there far or near, and for the others... you're welcome for showing you what a true friend really was and I'm NOT sorry that you took advantage of me and now I want nothing to do with you :).

p.s:
KK, I'm out of words I still think about you but I guess staying away is all thats left for me. Agh I fucked up so bad, but I know it's the right thing.

I've held in all that I could, this is me giving up cause there's nothing left of me. I'm tired of being stepped on, being put aside, being treated less than how I should.

Stop thinking for a moment and let me help guide you. Tell me, how I can be happy while I do this to you, how can I let you hurt while I figure my life out. What kind of person would I be if I let you do this, if I let you stick around and wait for something that might not ever happen. How can I say I care and make you cry all at the same time. I can't let you go but I know I'm no good to keep around, I know I put you in a position of totally confusion and I'm so sorry. I just need this one last, this one last chance to say good bye. Goodbye not to you, but to this ... I need to do this because I don't want to keep asking myself what if. One day, that's all I need and I promise you can go on living your life. Give me this one last time, one last time to be selfish.



"I'm callin (yeah maybe I'm selfish)
Out to (I want you to myself I can't help it)
All my (yeah maybe I'm selfish)
Y'all my ladies and I can't (maybe I'm selfish)
(I can't) Let you (let you)
(I want you to myself I can't help it)
Be with (yeah) no one (yeah) but me (yeah) baby"

I'm not ready to relive my past, I'm not ready to go back to everything I ran and hid from for the past 4 years. I'm not ready to feel those emotions all over again. Toronto I'm scared of coming back to you, but I know it's time to face it ...

all blogged out

It's finally come to this ... to knowing that no matter how much I don't want to let this go I know deep down it's the best for us. The fighting, the crying, the pushing, the shoving, the yelling, the hurtful words, the asthma and panic attacks, the physical pain, everything... it's just gotten so bad. it's gotten to a point that I've actually stepped out of myself and saw how badly we've hurt one another. 99 percent of me is convinced I need you and I that I couldn't live without you because I've become so dependent on you. Yet there's this 1 percent, this micro reason that constantly tells me that I'm wrong, that everything is wrong. I know the ratio makes no sense as to why I've come to this conclusion ... but to me it's that ONE PERCENT that determines this situation. Honestly if this was it, if this was all right I'd be 100 % no doubt about it ready to fall out flat, I'd admit and fall to my knees with nothing but vulnerability for you which I do feel like doing but its that 1% that stops me. It's because of this 1% that tells me that you make me mad, and it's this one percent that reminds me of the hurtful words I say and have said to you. I can't see you ever leaving me so know this... I have to do this, I have to let you go because I would never want anyone else to hurt you yet this one percent of me reminds me constantly that I've become my own enemy, I've made you cry, made you yell out of hurt from what I've caused. I am to blame for my own unhappiness and believe that I love you enough to stop myself from hurting you even more.

I can't put aside that I've hurt you and in doing that have hurt myself and hurt us terribly. I'm not ready to let this go but I hope you can help me be strong and just help me let this go, because I can't do this alone especially not if you keep begging for me back :(

such a hard thing to do... if not the hardest