all blogged out

It's finally come to this ... to knowing that no matter how much I don't want to let this go I know deep down it's the best for us. The fighting, the crying, the pushing, the shoving, the yelling, the hurtful words, the asthma and panic attacks, the physical pain, everything... it's just gotten so bad. it's gotten to a point that I've actually stepped out of myself and saw how badly we've hurt one another. 99 percent of me is convinced I need you and I that I couldn't live without you because I've become so dependent on you. Yet there's this 1 percent, this micro reason that constantly tells me that I'm wrong, that everything is wrong. I know the ratio makes no sense as to why I've come to this conclusion ... but to me it's that ONE PERCENT that determines this situation. Honestly if this was it, if this was all right I'd be 100 % no doubt about it ready to fall out flat, I'd admit and fall to my knees with nothing but vulnerability for you which I do feel like doing but its that 1% that stops me. It's because of this 1% that tells me that you make me mad, and it's this one percent that reminds me of the hurtful words I say and have said to you. I can't see you ever leaving me so know this... I have to do this, I have to let you go because I would never want anyone else to hurt you yet this one percent of me reminds me constantly that I've become my own enemy, I've made you cry, made you yell out of hurt from what I've caused. I am to blame for my own unhappiness and believe that I love you enough to stop myself from hurting you even more.

I can't put aside that I've hurt you and in doing that have hurt myself and hurt us terribly. I'm not ready to let this go but I hope you can help me be strong and just help me let this go, because I can't do this alone especially not if you keep begging for me back :(

such a hard thing to do... if not the hardest