Clueless.

Day 1, was a complete blur. A roller coaster with two hours of sleep and a dream of just bare flashbacks ... I woke up and wanted so badly to get my mind off of the pain. I was so used to the simple routine of dialing that same number when something came up so I had to constantly remind myself to NOT do certain things. Thankfully I had to do hair and makeup for the fashion show so that kept me busy .. too busy to be reminded of the pain but what hit was the surprise I got after the show... My old "friend" showed up and knew right away that something was wrong I mean I cant even deny that 5 years of friendship would obviously have it's toll so I gave in and took that walk. It was a momentary bliss and I was weirded out because I knew 100% that he wanted something I couldn't give ... myself.

Day 2, Reality strikes ... I want to believe so badly that he's still there & wants this ... it's what my heart wants to hear, wants to know and wants to believe is real. A reason to still hold on and another let down waiting to happen, my hearts setting itself up for another crash & burn.
My mind needs to understand that it'd over, yet I'm not ready. I want so badly for this to be easier on me, maybe there's something I'm missing & not ready for just yet, maybe this is worth it. one things for certain though I need to be his friend. I can't keep walking away from him especially not here , not now. I need to learn from all that went wrong and see that some good NEEDS to come from this. I NEED to smile even if my hearts broken inside, I NEED to keep dancing even if the fires out, I NEED to keep going even if I know I'm weak. I WANT TO GIVE UP! ... but I need to keep going.
Matt's right .. note for the next time ... keep a close lookout for my heart because I can't put myself in this position again .. I can't fall weak so easy.

P.s:
Fuck I'm so annoyed at everyone because it feels like everyone just wants me to move on ... I don't want to keep being forced on these dates, I don't want these phone calls from old flings, I don't want to party and meet new men... MY FUCKING HEART IS STILL ON HIS SLEEVE. Can't anyone just understand that I'm not myself right now and that I can't function right .. my head, and heart aren't even in the same body anymore and to tell you the truth I'm bummed, more than I ever was before. Fuck sakes it hasn't even been 24 hours ... I feel as if everyone's just being so damn inconsiderate of my emotions ... unless you have good intentions other than trying to hit on me or help me meet new guys or whatnot then FUCK OFF PLEASE!