this is me

In spite of this tragedy I have nothing but realization, no tears, no pain just this ongoing realization of the real me and my wants. It's funny how life has it's fucked up way of making you see things, of making you know who you really are inside out. I lived these past months giving myself offering nothing but myself truly and completely yet I'm supposed to be the one in the end suffering. I'm suffering because I know that I love him but I just can't be with him, and that is probably one of the hardest things I will ever come to know. To look love in the face and tell it to walk away ... Ive done many MANY stupid things in my life but this for some reason, this action that I'm doing is out of my hands it somehow has a mind of it's own. I mean what the fuck can I do when every part of me is pushing love away and yet my heart is screaming to pull him back and it's as if I'm just another person looking at myself not able to rescue the one thing that truly makes me complete.

So this is me?!?! after eighteen years this is what's come of me, a "fucking coward". Too fucking coward enough to stand up even against myself in order to do whats right, what my heart knows is right. Yet at the end of the day the question is... can keep letting myself do this to him, they say sometimes in love as much as it hurts to let go it really is for the best. Because isn't it that when you love someone so much you wouldn't want them getting hurt, you'd do anything you possibly could to keep those tears from falling. Sometimes the most painful realization is knowing that the one you love is hurting because of you, it hurts so bad because you know what's to be of the situation but your too selfish and scared to actually let them go even when you know it's the best thing. To me that's the final test of love, to know that you love someone so much that you'd give them the universe and when the time comes that what you've done has torn your relationship apart rather than bring you together to finally gather up the strength to walk away from love. to sacrifice your own happiness for the one you love.

They say every Sunday that God loved us so much he sacrificed his own son for our sins. I was raised to believe everything in church because those teachings alone were the true definition of our existence, of love. So is it not our turn to do the same, to sacrifice letting something we love die so that in the end things can be better. I want to be told that what I'm doing is right, that by letting love go I'm doing whats best ... because I can't come to terms with that alone. My heart has never felt so needy, yearning for love ... this one love that has replaced all feeling or past expectations of love. To know that I'm letting the person I was meant to be with, I'm letting him go because it's the right thing?

agh I need a drink life has too many fucked up obstacles to face