blog: july 29 2009 I want to let it go, no, not with words but emotionally just deattach and make it so it dosent have to hurt me anymore. I've lived these past two years trying to move on, tryingto give myself a chance to redeem myself emotionally so that I could at least have a fragment of that happiness in which I used to feel. I want to feel as though I'm no longer holding on to this rusty old handle trying to figure out how to unlock the door again. It's like this constant reminder of how many times I cried myself to sleep and how Istill do from time to time, it's a reminder of that unbareable pain I felt waking up every morning knowing that everything was different. It's a reminder of all the tears and pain because to me remembering the hurt is easier then reminiscing on the blissful moments.
If I were to look back on those good times, it would ruin me. If I were truly eager to let myself reopen those wounds and recall all the smiles and promises all I can see as a result would be me having to regroup myself all over again and look how far that's gotten me.
Conclusionjuly 29 2009
After two years of trying to get over this relationship and attempting to move on all it's done is made me want to give up. It's become clear to me that I have to stop trying to replace my scars with new relationships because it's a painfully pointlessthing. I'm over being categorized as a "serial dater" it's a horrible image at that. Therefor I would rather be that girl who no ones notices,that girl who sit's in the corner of the lunch room invisible to everyone else. Why? because if I were to be invisible rather than to be "out there"i would then be able to accept everything completely for what it is rather then being that person who keeps putting it aside for less important things. If I were to be cast aside that would clear 75% of my schedule leaving me with 75% more time to focus on shit that matters thus giving me 100% time of real down to earth living, 100% of MY time to redo or mend some real meaningful relationships with family and friends. With that time I could be my OLDself, the one that a majority of people have yet to see. For the record I used to LOVE reading books, watching the news late at night with my family, I used to go for runs every week at 6:00 in the morning, do two laps around langara before dinner everyother day, I used to be so passionate aboutart especially my dancing and drawing, and I used to still keep in close touch with a huge number of my close friends in Winnipeg and Toronto. Nowa days it's difficult to even be on msn long enough to catch up on one of my friends' lives, these days it's like the only thing that matters to me ispartying and going out. For that I feel like I've forgotten all my morals, forgotten all the things that should mean the most and instead I've pushed it all aside.The stupid things I've done for wasteful people, I've missed birthdays of friends that I've known and who have been there for me since highschool started. I've skipped debuts and family events for guys who only think of getting lucky. I've been rebellious and deceitful all because I wanted to go to some stupid party that I gained nothing but a hang over at and maybe some really incriminating photos of me that will forever be instilled in my memory. Sadly the list goes on and with thatin mind I'm done. I'm done because all I've ever tried to do was start over and let my past go, but with that I found myself digging a hole so deep that it'll take a whileto get out of and fill up.
I've decided to give up because this "party girl" image has ruined me entirely and I'm over being this person that I hate. Two years ago I let the old me die outI wanted to create a new image to help me get over what happened. Instead I turned into someone that I hate and now I'm finally ready to give it up.No more boy's and there bullshit about how their different because I've been proven right MANY MANY MAANNYY times. I need to let this new me go because what it's really doneis push you away, so far that now you dont even know me because even after two years you're still the only good thing in my life that'll never change. I'm giving up because all I've ever done for two years is try to replace you and try and find a guy who could fill your shoes. Two years still committed to you of utterlessdedication to keeping my word to you and allowing myself to partake it such a painful moving on process. I've decided to let this "new me" die out and revive the "old me" the one that took rules as a guideline to a successful life rather than abiding against them for momentary happiness.
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